<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>in my chest by zjofierose</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27553447">in my chest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/zjofierose/pseuds/zjofierose'>zjofierose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(every now and then) on my mind - Angstober 2019 [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Study, Communication, Crying, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Relationship Negotiation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:27:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27553447</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/zjofierose/pseuds/zjofierose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"this isn't the way I thought it would be"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leo de la Iglesia/Ji Guang-Hong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(every now and then) on my mind - Angstober 2019 [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in my chest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>just a baby ficlet for a prompt from a 2019 Angstober list</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“It’s not…” Guang-hong’s voice is thin and far away, and Leo grips his bedspread with one fist and his phone with the other. “It’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Leo.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you…” Leo bites his tongue as he stumbles over his words. He can hear his voice shaking. “Are you breaking up with me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a long silence, and Leo ignores the wet heat of a tear as it slides down his face. The dorm he’s in is impersonal; off-white cinder-block walls and heathered grey carpet, a single window behind him that looks out onto the unremarkable prairie which stretches in all directions into the distance. It’s chilly in here, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> chilly in here, and the second tear that runs down his face leaves a stripe of heat which he scrubs away as quietly as he can.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think so?” Guang-hong says after a long pause, but his voice is tentative. “I just…” there’s an echoing sigh that bridges the thousands of miles between them. “This isn’t the way I thought it would be.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What isn’t?” Leo asks breathlessly, “what can I do? What do you need?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um,” Guang-hong sounds a little taken aback, and Leo punches his leg in silent frustration. He’s a lot, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> it - he wears his heart on his sleeve, and jumps in with both feet. He’s older than Guang-hong - not a lot, but some - and this thing between them is still so new, so fragile, and long-distance is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “I’m not sure?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leo nods, chewing his lip. “Maybe...maybe you can tell me what you expected? Then we can see… if there’s anything we can do to make that more… more real?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There are sounds of rustling, shifting. Leo can picture it, Guang-hong sprawled out on his bed, pressed against his pillows and plushies. He’s seen it a hundred times on his computer screen, can see it flawlessly in his mind’s eye. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess,” Guang-hong says slowly, his voice thoughtful, “I mean, Leo, you know you’re my first...my first boyfriend. My first </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leo hums in acknowledgement, not trusting his voice not to give away the depth of his distress. He wants Guang-hong to have space to get his thoughts out, doesn’t want to make him feel pressured or guilty. It’s not Guang-hong’s fault that Leo loves him too much, that Leo’s been in love with him for years before they made it official. Guang-hong doesn’t deserve the weight of those silent years, the burden of clawing need that rips through Leo at night when he’s alone and still.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just... I always assumed that whoever I ended up with, we’d do like… boyfriend stuff, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Boyfriend stuff?” Leo asks, words tight and chewy in his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, just, going to the movies, or holding hands, or getting food and hanging out. But this-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We could do some of that!” Leo interrupts, then bites his tongue. “I mean - we could watch movies together? Hang out more via video chat?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Leo…” Guang-hong’s tone is guarded, and Leo’s heart falls. “We’ve got a fifteen-hour time difference. How does that even work?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My schedule’s more flexible than yours,” Leo presses, “I can move some things around. We can make a Friday night movie date when you’re done with practice. We already do homework together, we could go over skating videos on my Sunday evenings?” He pauses, trying to leave space for a response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Leo, I don’t know-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Guang-hong.” Leo doesn’t like to beg, but the sun has shined from Ji Guang-hong’s smile for the last three years, and Leo could never forgive himself if he let it slip away. “We’re both assigned to Skate Canada, that’s in six weeks, we’ll see each other then - maybe we can arrange to stay a couple extra days, spend some time just the two of us.” He pauses again, takes a deep breath. “Will you try until then? Give me a chance to show you what it can be, the two of us together? Please?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The silence stretches between them, static on the signal where it bounces from China to space to the US and back again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to go to bed,” Guang-hong says after a long moment. “I’ll call you in the morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Leo breathes, “sleep well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You too,” he hears before the line goes dead and he flings his phone across the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not a no</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he tells himself, burying his head in the pillow and sobbing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not a no</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>